Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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