You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
