I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
