Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
