If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
