Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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