You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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