I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
