my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
