I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
