even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
