you traded sex for a burrito?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize