My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There r osticjed everywhere
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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