She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
