You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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