You're so nebulous sometimes
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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