Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
