I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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