I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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