Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
