Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
