I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize