I bet he comes in French.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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