oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Couch. On fire.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
