I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
