Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
