i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
