The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
