that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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