so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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