I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
