Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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