right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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