i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
