Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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