hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
