you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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