Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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