Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize