did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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