I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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