I bet he comes in French.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
