great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
