We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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