apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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