what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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