My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
