My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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