he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
