Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
