If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
