I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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