Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you win again, gameday.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
