How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
