I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
