I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
