Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
